He acquired a relationship with sex to comfort himself from suffering, to take care of himself, to relax from stress…
A sex addict develops a distorted, mood-altering relationship with things or people.
Gradually, he experiences periods of distancing himself from friends, family, and work.
His secret life takes on a more real character than his official one, although he feels a strong sense of shame because of this dual personality.
One of the essential elements of common sense is to be based on reality; therefore, from the moment the addict distorts reality, this disorder becomes almost a form of disease.
Sexual addiction is sometimes confused with the normal intense, pleasurable and satisfying sexuality that ordinary people sometimes enjoy, that is, with a very high frequency of intercourse.
Some people manifest excesses, but are able to master them first and reject them later.
Sex addicts, on the other hand, have completely lost control of their ability to say no, their ability to choose.
Their behavior is part of a series of thoughts, feelings, and actions that they can no longer control.
Instead of experiencing pleasure, they want to comfort themselves from suffering, take care of themselves, or relax from stress.
Unlike love, this compulsive pathology makes sex the primary relationship for which everything else is sacrificed: family, friends, health, security, and work.
Inevitably, the feeling of euphoria lasts until the end of the relationship.
While drug addicts or alcoholics experience euphoria that slowly wears off as the drug leaves their system, sex addicts feel intoxicated, sad, and guilty almost immediately after intercourse.
Once they reach orgasm, they feel feelings of hopelessness and self-hatred.
They feel like cheaters, hypocrites, and cowards, but this is not enough to make them stop.
Rather, the pressure created by their negative feelings about themselves and the feelings of remorse, shame, and disgust lead them to a point where pain becomes an inescapable necessity.
Just as an alcoholic seeks relief in alcohol, the sex addict seeks relief in sex and the pleasure it brings him, thus establishing the vicious circle of a progressive disease that will eventually make his life unbearable.
Having reached this point, it is possible to draw another succinct definition of sexual addiction as a morbid relationship with sex, which is intended to allow the person to relieve stress, to escape from negative or painful feelings, from intimate relationships that he cannot manage; this relationship thus becomes an unavoidable need, to which everything else is sacrificed, including people who are seen only as objects to be used.
Characteristics of sexual addiction
Patterns of uncontrolled behavior :
Increase, extent, and duration of behaviors that regularly exceed what was originally desired.
Addicts sometimes understand that they are endangering their lives and yet continue their behaviors.
Many people sometimes abuse their sexuality and go through periods of excess.
But they still learn to discipline their behavior.
Instead, those who suffer from this addiction are unable to discipline their behavior on their own.
Consequences of sexual addiction
There are several levels of harm to sex addicts :
Physical
Economic
Social
Cognitive
Emotional
Inability to stop despite the seriousness of the consequences
Despite the serious consequences of their actions, they cannot find the way, and especially the “strength,” to stop their self-destructive patterns.
They remain victims of their cycle of addiction, despite repeated promises to stop.
Sexual addiction has taken over their ability to choose.
They claim that they will stop “from now on” or “after this period”…
Constant pursuit of self-destructive and dangerous behaviors
Sex addicts engage in dangerous behaviors.
They ignore and distort reality and lose touch with it.
As a result, their risky behaviors continue over time.
Increasing desire or attempt to control sexual activity
Almost all of them promise themselves that they will stop the behavior.
They claim that they will stop “from now on” or “after this time.
However, this never happens.
They may even go to the opposite extreme to keep their activity under control.
In most cases, they have often gone through periods of sexual anorexia in which all their behaviors and desires were rigidly contained.
In any case, these attempts only fed their addiction.
Sexual fantasies and fixations as early coping strategies
Sexual fixation becomes an analgesic.
Planning, imagining, hypothesizing, and identifying opportunities constitute a daily strategy.
Sexual addiction poses specific diagnostic and therapeutic difficulties because a person may escape into an altered state simply through obsession and fantasy.
During the day, he may spend most hours in a trance-like state.
His obsession becomes the dominant factor in his world.
Relationships then become the center where the energy of the obsession finds an outlet.
The obsessed person relieves tension and reduces anxiety by trying to have sex.
Increased sexual activity because the current level of intensity is no longer sufficient
An important aspect of sexual addiction is habituation.
The person becomes addicted to a particular activity, substance, or other person and eventually, as a result of its use, no longer experiences the pleasure he or she originally felt.
As a result, the person increasingly needs what he or she is addicted to in order to experience the same pleasure.
Severe mood swings as a result of sexual activity
Sexual addiction, because of its negative impact on affective states, causes severe mood swings, leading the person to suddenly experience moments of despair, deep shame, isolation, and disrespect.
Excessive increase in time spent seeking sexual experiences
Obsession becomes the main factor in daily planning.
Basic aspects of life such as eating, sleeping, working, and dressing become secondary.
Most of the time is spent seeking sex, having or recovering from sexual experiences, and dealing with the consequences of this addiction.
Abandonment of important social, work, and recreational activities
Family, friends, work, and hobbies are replaced by the compulsive desire for sex.
Decisions are made based on sexual goals rather than common sense, reason, or judgment.
Pleasure
A very important and often underestimated aspect of sexual addiction is pleasure.
The key element of all their activities is the feeling of pleasure they produce.
This is what attracts them, what they remain attached to, and what they have a constant need to obtain.
Most of them claim to have more confidence in sexual relationships than in people.
They know how to experience the sensations they desire and that can produce discounted and repeatable pleasure.
In this way, engaging in sex is like regaining control and power for them, although the opposite is also true, since to experience the emotions they seek they must still turn to other people or to themselves, and over neither of these they exercise control.
Physical dependence
Physical dependence is similar to cocaine dependence.
The sex addict needs the drug, activity, or desired person to feel normal and able to act.
Craving
Craving, also called “pathological appetite,” is the intense desire for an activity, person, or substance on which the person is dependent.
In the absence of satisfaction, the person experiences suffering.
Abstinence
Abstinence can be of two types : physical and psychological.
On the physical level, it is caused by a change in the neurochemical balance.
On the emotional level, however, it is due to the person’s attachment to sexual behavior as a means of coping with life and its problems.
Compulsion
The compulsive aspect of sexual addiction is clear because it manifests itself through behaviors, unlike many other aspects of a person’s inner life.
Rarely does a person consciously choose to numb his or her unwanted feelings with exclusively sexual behaviors.
Such feelings, which the person does not recognize or is not fully aware of, automatically set in motion an obsessive-compulsive mechanism through compulsive fantasies or thoughts and rituals.
Once activated, such a mechanism drives the sex addict, who can no longer control himself, to satisfy his desire for pleasure.
Most of the time is spent looking for sex…
Secrecy
All people with sexual addiction are in some way dishonest, deceiving themselves and others.
In part, this is due to the shame and embarrassment they feel about having problems in an area that is considered completely natural
Personality change
For years, people have tried to define personality.
In fact, it has never been found, as any personality type can become one.
Rather, it is sexual addiction that profoundly changes the person, creating a personality that is the result, not the cause, of the addiction process.
This means that people affected by any type of addiction share common traits.
The positive support provided by drugs, sex, food, or work creates in them the belief that they can find easy solutions to the most frightening experiences.
Their personality regresses to a childlike state by developing the same type of personality that only looks out for its own needs and is only capable of asking.
Contradiction of one’s ethical beliefs
The final characteristic of sexual addiction is that the person’s behavior is often inconsistent with their ideas of what is moral and what is not, especially regarding their own sexuality.
The addiction makes it impossible for them to live the way they would like to, or to live up to the image or moral code they are desperately trying to protect and present to the outside world.
Of course, some manage to maintain their beliefs, and thus their addiction.
Very often, in fact, the person does not necessarily have to give up a monogamous relationship in order to satisfy his or her desires: he or she can chronically masturbate, use pornography, or telephone or video erotic chat services without technically being an adulterer.
Other classic background symptoms include :
Exploitation of others : many of the addict’s behaviors are aimed at victimizing people with whom he has relationships, through intrusion or the use of force, but also by exploiting his own vulnerability.
In fact, the sex addict uses his own inability to form intimate relationships as a weapon to attract people to care for him.
Non-reciprocity : behaviors include disrespect and isolation.
They generally do not lead to intimacy or greater emotional complicity.
Objectification : many of his behaviors take away the humanity of the people he is in a relationship with, turning them into objects.
Sexual objects are easy to exploit and, more importantly, manipulate for the purpose of having potentially risky experiences that increase his state of arousal ; they also do not disturb his trance state by asking questions.
They may appear to be emotionally sensitive, especially in their seduction routines, but in reality their feelings are well hidden.
In any case, they do not feel deep emotions.
Dissatisfaction : Behavior often leaves people feeling discouraged, yet they always want more.
The dissatisfaction stems partly from the lack of meaning in relational sexual contact and partly from the fact that pleasure numbs pain but does not heal it.
Increased shame : the behavior they engage in generates shame and secrecy toward themselves.
As their self-confidence decreases, they are unable to set appropriate boundaries, except those that reduce the risk of being discovered.
Fear : Sexual addiction is deeply rooted in the danger, risks and illicit behaviors that arouse fear.
Arousal is directly related to the amount of fear that is experienced.
In the development and especially in the spread of all these pathologies, the contribution of the Internet has been decisive.
In fact, both asociality and especially depravity have increased at the same time.
The Net is already causing severe sexual mania.
In fact, those who are not very “stable” are particularly vulnerable to sexual addiction through the Internet.
In other words, the various sex-oriented areas – from porn sites to literary erotica to chat rooms to video chats – can drive some people into an uncontrollable compulsion.
Compulsive cybersex addicts would need help and procedures for detoxification, just like alcoholics or cocaine addicts.
